PtSD (PART 2)
I did not want to put her in a home. Here’s where my reasoning and rationalization sounds a little maniac. I argued that I could wait until March 2024, because March 2024 would be 4 years of mom living with us and I thought “4” would feel good and lucky, the winter Olympics are every 4 years, a presidency is 4 years, high school is 4 years, I thought mom living with us through her rapidly worsening dementia for 4 years would feel good or perhaps symbolic. If we couldn’t make it to 4 years, I thought we could at least reach the anniversary of our housing renovations, especially our first-floor bathroom renovation. We put a shower on the first-floor for Mom so her sciatica wouldn’t be triggered going up and down the stairs to shower. We had already converted our first-floor dining room into a bedroom for her. I couldn’t move mom when it’s only been 10 months since we improved the house! The guilt would be too heavy on my soul. Everytime I go into the first-floor bathroom with mom’s shower I would think I hear the telltale heart from Edgar Allan Poe’s story. I just can’t move her YET!
But I always said if mom starts to qualify for her long-term care insurance with her ADL’s we’d look into assisted living. ADL’s are Assistance with Daily Living. You need 2 to qualify for the long-term care insurance that mom or one of her keen financial advisors put into place. I could stop here and say how fortunate I am that my mother agreed to this policy, I could think back to how mom always said she didn’t want to be a burden on me when she got older, I could think back to how mom always stopped everything when I called because I was upset about something that happened at work or I broke up with a boyfriend and she let me talk and cry for an hour, then she’d say “go wash your face and get a drink of water and I will check up on you later. “ I did wash my face and she would call and follow up (at least twice a day) until she knew I was really over “it” whatever “it” was at the time.
I could focus on the good, but this is MY PTSD time and I need to focus on the bad times the hard times.
So the ADL’s…Mom already needed assistance preparing her meals. Then in the spring, we realized Mom needed assistance in the shower (see PTSD 1 about her fear of water).. Still I learned how best to manage mom in the shower and I was able to manage 2 morning showers a week. Afterward, I let myself have a muffin or sweet treat at breakfast (my equivalent to a glass of wine after a hard day).
It wasn’t the ADLs that finally had me admit I needed help. The icing on the cake was when my daughter said, “Grandma has replaced me as your daughter.” My heart leaped into my throat. When I realized just how much my mother was taking my mental energy for the past 3.5 years something snapped. I mean I always felt guilty that I wasn’t giving Mom enough time. I’d stick her in her room to stare at her iPad or I’d put on the TV, but in retrospect I was still giving her my devotion and my care most of the time. When I wasn’t in the room with Mom I was setting up doctor appointments for her, looking up nurses, making meals or finding babysitters so I could go out with my family. When we went on a 24-hour trip to Boston to tour colleges for my son it required me making 4 meals to leave for mom and the nurse and I left 6 pages of notes. Yet, still I didn’t feel I was doing enough for my mom until my daughter said, “Grandma has replaced me as your daughter.” Then I finally felt that it was time.
So we put my mom in Brandywine Living at Livingston, all these places ironically have living or something optimisitc in the title so that you can try to forget that it’s really where your loved one has come to die. Do I sound too harsh? Okay where your loved one has come to spend the “twilight” of their years. My husband always says Sunrise Assisted Living should really be called “Sunset Assisted Living” and Care One should be We are the One’s Caring for your loved one so you don’t have to. Mom qualified for the special Memory Care Center at Brandywine Living. Qualified is another euphemism like she got a 1600 on her SAT’s and qualifies for a scholarship. Mom’s assessment qualified her for the Memory Care Unit at the Assisted Living which